Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Sabotaging Self-Sabotage

"Since it did, was it supposed to happen this way?"

I saw this quote on my fridge many years back.  It was written in brother's handwriting on one of those shopping list note pads, perhaps a note for a little existentialism to go along with the eggs and milk.  This quote, whether my brother is the author or not I don't know, has stuck with me since the first time I read it.  From time to time when I am in a very introspective state and have a moment to really think about where I am in my life, which let's face it is quite often, I think of this quote.  I am not exactly sure where I pictured myself being at 27 years old, but I know this is not it. That's where this quote comes in.  Whenever I am in my (I'll admit it) "poor me" frame of mind, I think of this quote.  Do I have control over where I am meant to be or is this where I am meant to be right now?  I do not want to completely give up control over my own fate, but at the same time I do believe that things happen for a reason, whatever that reason may be.

If I want to be honest with myself, which I don't, I actually do have control over my current circumstance. I do think I got to this point because of some things that were out of my control whether it was financial issues or lack of appropriate opportunity, but I remained in this situation probably by my own choice (I can only hope unintentionally). I certainly did not picture myself living in the same town I grew up in and working in a job far below my skill and education-level.  It is true that part of this fate I can control and I am working towards changing these circumstances drastically.  In my mind, my life is meant to be far more extravagant than it actually is.  I feel like I know different things that I want to be doing and picture myself living the life I want to be living, but everything being seemingly out of reach is just so exceedingly overwhelming that I then simply accept things for what they are.  This is called self-sabotage and I do this a lot!

As I said, there are so many things I see myself doing.  With everything out of place I want to focus on one of the most simple goals I have: to qualify for the Boston Marathon before I turn 30.  Of course, I do hope everything falls into place along with this goal and certainly before, but my problem has been that I don't break things down to find the solution step by step.  I dwell on how I am not in a place where I want to be and then day dream about where that place is that I should be.  Basically, I have been in a quarter-life crisis so long that I fear it may last into my mid-life crisis.  At least in a mid-life crisis I'd get myself a fancy car and a boob job, both of which I couldn't afford anytime in the present or near future. (I don't ever actually want a boob job, but I'd take a fancy car.)  I have decided that running and training to qualify for the most elite marathon will be the most simple goal I can achieve.  I do not mean simple in the fact that it won't be hard work.  It will probably be the most physically challenging thing I will ever do in my lifetime, unless I become an ultra-marathoner.  What I mean is that it lacks the materialism and finances needed by most of my other goals.  Wanting a better job requires finishing my masters and then searching for that perfect job that will supply me with satisfaction and also a pay check to afford living where I want to live, traveling where I want to go, and driving what I want to drive as well as to support  my severe shopping habit and expensive taste.  Running is pure and simple.  You need nothing but your body and a surface for which to pound your feet.  You don't even really need sneakers or clothes if that's your thing.

In Walden, Henry David Thoreau wrote:


"I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion." 


His goal was to live simplistically and self-sufficiently.  As I find myself becoming consumed with materialistic goals that I cannot obtain, I too want to step away and focus on something more simple.  As mentioned above I am somewhat of a self-saboteur.  Too many times has doubt in myself stopped me from pursuing what I want or pushing myself to obtain what I want.  Could I be living in a nice apartment in the city?  Could I be working in a job that I truly enjoy, or at least don't loathe, and one that makes me actually feel successful?  The answer is most likely "yes".  By focusing my energy on obtaining a "simple" goal of qualifying for the Boston marathon I hope to become more focused and believe that I can reach goals that perhaps I once thought I couldn't.  Running will be my Walden Pond.


And so I run... 





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